Weighed, measured and found wanting

We each follow our own unique paths in life. Building, expanding, setting goals, learning and teaching. We take on life head on without an instruction guide, faced with making choices and accepting responsibility for the good and the bad. Each person reassuring themselves they are doing it right. We have families and friendships, close relationships that bring us intimacy, trust, support, advice and so much more. We can communicate so easily with cell phones, internet, social networking. Places like Facebook give us a means to closely follow each other, constantly, with or without interaction or effort. I use this site daily. I see all the complaining, judging, struggle and even joy. I’ve done these things as well. It is so easy to get bored with routine, complain about petty things, or pass judgment on those we know (even those we don’t). It is easy to boast, brag, self indulge and pity our own difficult situations. Despite the readily available means of communication we still often feel alone and disconnected. We fear no one can truly understand how we feel. With a deep seeded need to connect and trust and belong we claim to possess certain traits and seek the same in others. What is unfortunate is that we never really reveal the whole truth. Often we hide it even from ourselves, believing the half-truths. Quietly judging those we care for, never fully trusting, or fully being trusted. With technology taking the place of personal interaction we are able to participate from a distance. In the safety of our homes. With less opportunity to really know someone. Never being able to know their whole story, subtle glimpses in their life. Limited by text, a distant voice, screen names, out dated pictures. Hundreds of “friends” online, all ready to shower us with kind words, sympathy, their own wisdom, advice.

I’ve done my fair share of complaining, judging, advising. Whining about boredom, bitching about things that are either unimportant, out of my control, none of my business or my own doing. It’s hard to realize that repetition in our lives may seem a bit monotonous at times but, really show us a calm time in our life. It’s easy to place blame and feel sorry for ourselves but in reality we are in control of our own happiness or lack of. None of us practice what we preach. After all the complaining I have done, hind sight has slapped me hard in the face. With the hope of the new year bringing good things I have been blind sided by harsh reality, and tragedy I’ve never known. Death of a loved one and potentially losing my first-born due to his grievous lack of sound decision-making. The thought of my 16-year-old facing prison and all the detrimental effects it could have on him is paralyzing. Aside from devastating his future, there is rape, death, becoming a cycle and more. I second guess how I have parented, the morals I’ve instilled, self blame, go through all the “if only’s”, and in the end am left helpless and unsure.

Sometimes having a slightly boring life is not that bad. I wish I could go back to boring, at least I knew what to expect. I am left feeling stupid for taking the small things for granted.